In celebration of no longer being a medicated mind, I would like to share with you what functioning is like when your mind is consumed by the 3 lovely disorders I have.
Now, I will admit, living with anxiety and depression is a bit of a contradiction. You care way too much about every possible thing and come up with insane scenarios about impossible (or slightly possible… ya never know) situations but all at the same time, you can’t seem to do anything about them because you can’t put forth the physical or mental energy it takes to deal with them. Then if you throw ADHD into the mix, well you can’t seem to keep focus on much of anything and you can’t seem to sit still. For example, so far it has taken me over 20 minutes just to write this much because I got distracted by Facebook and I have easily shifted my sitting position at least 3 times.
The first time I really remember having issues related to depression were towards the end of my freshman year of high school and anxiety followed my sophomore year. ADHD however has been a constant in my life since the 1st grade. My teacher put me on my own “island” in the classroom because I managed to be social with every kid in class and never seemed to focus on my work for more than a few minutes at a time.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve seen analogies about if you have one disorder, it can bring along another like it’s the weird cousin/sibling they were obligated to bring along to the party. But I managed to score the jackpot it seems. Because on top of that, intrusive thoughts are a rather common occurrence between the 3. So on occasion my mind will tell me to throw my phone out the window, make me remember that awkward conversation from 6 years ago, and occasionally intrusive thoughts come in the form of suicidal thoughts. Would I ever act upon these? Hell no, because there is so much left to do and so much left to see. SO having intrusive thoughts is kind of like that friend you probably had in school that always told you to do stupid things that you knew you’d get grounded for so you constantly had to say no… but still stayed friends with them anyway.
Having all 3 is not an easy thing to manage… not in the slightest. Honestly, it makes some days seem impossible, while others are a breeze. Some days it is really hard to get out of bed or even make breakfast, others I feel like Superwoman. It all depends. I know the bad days are only temporary, I just have to tell myself it is only temporary.